It's almost the end of another year and for many, that means it is time for self-reflection. We are all fairly aware of our bad habits–overeating, drinking too much booze, not exercising, gossiping, smoking, and the list goes on ad infinitum. The typical resolutions tend to focus solely on changing undesirable behaviors, and therein lies the problem. In my opinion, New Year's resolutions are rarely successful because too much energy is wasted trying to simply modify behaviors and too little attention goes to resolving the underlying issues. So, how do you resolve the underlying issues? First, you work to increase self-awareness–you've got to understand why you do what you do before any changes will stick. Second, you've got to build your coping skills–expand how you deal with life and with relieve stress. It may take time and certainly a commitment, but by developing hobbies, interests, and a variety of outlets, the need for those undesirable behaviors is weakened. Think about it–if you are so interested in photography, love attending your weekly yoga class, and enjoy meeting newfound friends for evening walks, the need to de-stress by losing yourself in a pan of brownies may begin to ease. By understanding how you operate and working to build coping skills, many of those "bad habits may disappear all on their own!

To get started with this plan, it's a great idea to find a therapist or life coach who can help you work on the self-awareness piece. You can also begin building your coping skills arsenal by trying something new. Whether it is a hobby like jewelry making, a skill such as public speaking, or an activity like meditation, you can find resources online or in your community. I also recommend searching for continuing education courses at a community college or nearby university. You would be amazed what amazing and affordable options you will find.

For those living in Charlotte, NC, check out the following resources:

Carolina Learning Connection

Queens University Continuing Education

CPCC Personal Enrichment

Have you ever considered paying for therapy out of pocket?

If your health insurance covers counseling, probably not. Before I was a therapist I never thought about paying for any of my healthcare out of pocket either, especially if I could get everything taken care of with a measly $25 co-pay. Now that I’m on the other side of the table, I actually pay for much more of my healthcare instead of relying on insurance. If you’ve read this far you’re probably wondering, “Why pay more when my insurance can pick up the tab?” I understand the allure of having health insurance cover the majority of session fees, but do you know what you give up for that co-pay? If not, allow me to shine light on the truth.

1. If you use insurance, your therapist must give you a diagnosis. This is probably a lesser known fact and it’s one I didn’t know until I began my profession. Insurance companies require a diagnosis so they can decide if they will pay for therapy or not. This means your therapist must give you a diagnosis that your insurance will cover even if you don’t really need a diagnosis. And these diagnoses follow you. In many cases, mental health diagnoses do not have a statute of limitations meaning they will follow your forever as “pre-existing illnesses.” As a client it is rare that you ever even know your diagnosis, so I would consider this to be one of the most motivating reasons to pay out-of-pocket because when you do, your therapist does is not required to give you a diagnosis.

2. Health insurance companies choose your therapist for you. Have you realized that you can only see therapists who have a contract with your insurance company? This isn’t always a huge problem especially if your plan is with a major insurance company with a vast network of therapists. However, I’ve had clients who have changed insurance mid-therapy to a company with whom I was not contracted. The client had the choice to pay out of pocket or find a new therapist who was in their network. Not the biggest problem in the world, but it is a limitation that I believe many overlook.

3. Your time and treatment is controlled by an insurance company. Again, it is probably an overlooked an unknown fact that insurance companies determine the time intervals that they will pay for and the therapy models they will accept. In most cases this isn’t a major issue if you’re a therapist and client who can wrap it up in twelve, 50 minute sessions. But what if you need a longer treatment period? If your insurance hasn’t given authorization for more sessions, then your therapist will not be paid for the additional time. And what if you want a therapy that is alternative, new, or off the beaten path? It’s unlikely that your insurance will cover that treatment. You and your therapist are bound by the insurance companies’ belief about what is an appropriate length of time to resolve issues and what therapies are best for you.

For some people it makes sense to use health insurance, but if you can afford to pay out-of-pocket it’s worth considering how much you value your privacy and control over your own treatment decisions. Many therapists have reasonable session fees and will even negotiate for more affordable rates. If you prefer to keep your health information private and in your own control, then talk to your therapists about rate options.

In many cases it is important to explore the past in order to take a step forward. But for those who are at peace with their past, I love solution-focused questions that drive goal-setting and action statements.

Consider the following questions for your life and career–I promise you will have no choice but to progress!

• What's important to you at the moment?
• What challenges are you struggling with at the moment?
• Where is your life out of balance?
• What's working well for you at the moment?
• What's not working well?
• What are you afraid of?
• What are you passionate about?
• How would you life have to chance for you to reach your goals?
• How do you sabotage yourself?
• What do you need to do to move one step closer to your goal?
• How will your life be different once you've met your goals?

If you do a Google search several articles will pop up with various explanations for the differences between therapy and life coaching. Considering I offer both therapy and personal life coaching services in Charlotte, NC, I'm frequently asked to differentiate between the two. Borrowing from one of my favorite explanations I can sum it up fairly succinctly; therapy focuses on the "why" and life coaching focuses on the "what now."

Those struggling with their past, feeling unable to shake off old patterns in order to move forward, are perfect candidates for therapy. I disagree with articles that claim therapy is based on a medical model that views the client as "sick." If you choose to pay for therapy with health insurance the therapist must give you a diagnosis, but that does not mean your therapist is viewing you as ill or diseased!

In contrast to therapy, coaching is perfect for those who can identify their personal or professional goals, but struggle to create and execute an action plan. In my opinion, life coaching is much more focused on personal growth, problem solving, and career expansion.

There is certainly and overlap between counseling and coaching as an individual comes to terms with the past and develops skills that allow them to focus on obtaining personal or professional goals. It is actually an honor to observe this transition.

No matter what an individual's motivation for contacting a therapist or life coach, the process should be an enlightening and challenging experience!

Most people have probably heard of the basic Type A and Type B personalities. Did you know it gets even more detailed? Understanding personalities is a large part of a therapists' work. And when I say therapist, I don't mean this kind…

I mean this kind…

Helping clients learn more about their personalities is a powerful tool in the therapuetic and coaching process. This awareness promotes self-acceptance, identifies personal strenghts, and indicates problem areas. From here, I like to build on the identified stregnths to compensate for and cope with weaker or less adaptive characteristics.

To learn more about personality one might journal, spend time introspecting, or talk to trusted friends/family. Another approach are tests and inventories that describe general characteristcs of personality groups such as the Myers Briggs, Big Five Personality Test, and Enneagram.

The Myers Briggs measures four personality traits and it’s been around forever. I’m not sure how reliable it is, but it does a very good job of describing specific personality traits and quirks. Although the online quiz is lengthy, I believe it's worthwhile and often recommend it to clients. One piece of advice: be sure to answer the questions as you TRULY are and not how you would like to THINK that you are. You can look up your personality type here.

For online versions of the other personality inventories, go here for the Big Five Test, and here to discover your Enneagram. Realize that online tests are not official and certainly not the end all, be all in terms of assessments. Consider these tests tools to assist you in learning more about yourself that can work in conjuction with the work you do with a professional counselor of personal life coach.

Happy testing!

Do you meditate? Have you ever tried?

I have and some days, instead of looking like this:

I look like this. Obviously checking my Twitter feed.

Even though meditation is very challenging for me, I am nevertheless intrigued. I came across this fascinating Yoga Journal article on meditation. It’s fairly long, but I hope you will at least give it a browse. I like the title “Your Brain on Meditation”, reminds me of those drugs commercials back in the day.

Anyway, back to the article and seriousness. You know how we say, “You are what you eat”? Well researchers studying meditators versus non-meditators are proving that our brains “are what we think”. Confusing? I’ll explain.

It’s pretty well known that meditation helps reduce stress and increase a sense of well-being….but that’s not all. How and what you think actually changes the structure and growth of your brain. If you are good at sports, you will have more neural connections in the coordination area. If you’re a student and spend a lot of time studying, you’re memory center will be jacked. When it comes to meditation, it depends on the kind of meditation. Here’s a cool excerpt from the article to help explain:

“Over the past decade, researchers have found that if you practice focusing attention on your breath or a mantra, the brain will restructure itself to make concentration easier. If you practice calm acceptance during meditation, you will develop a brain that is more resilient to stress. And if you meditate while cultivating feelings of love and compassion, your brain will develop in such a way that you spontaneously feel more connected to others.”

I think this is incredible. Basically, you can focus on any change you wish to make. With enough meditation, you alone can change the structure of your brain. This change may translate into better self-control or attention or self-love. Almost seems too good to be true, right?!

Consider giving meditation a shot. Work in a few minutes each day–consistency is the key–and pay attention to your level of patience, self-acceptance, and energy.

One of my favorite self-help books is The 5 Love Languages. I recommend it to clients, family, friends, strangers…anyone I come into contact with. Why? Because The 5 Love Languages is easy to read and helps us each learn how we best receive love and if read with a partner, helps us learn how our partner best receives love. As a therapist I’ve learned quite a bit about relationships and have seen what tears them apart. And the first advice I’d offer is to learn more about your love language, whether or not you are currently in a relationship.

I highly recommend reading the book for a more in-depth description of each love language, but I’ll give you a brief run-down.

Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation

If this is your primary love language, you feel most loved when you receive compliments of praise from your significant other. You like to be complimented and encouraged.

Love Language #2: Quality Time

If this is your primary love language, you feel most loved when your partner spends time with you, focuses on you, or focuses on things that interest you. It can be as simple as chatting over a meal together, having your significant other sign-up to attend your usual yoga class, or even planning a weekend couple’s excursions.

Love Language #3: Gifts

This love language is more than simply wanting gifts. If this is your primary love language, you feel most loved when your partner gives you a gift that is thoughtful and meaningful.

Love Language #4: Acts of Service

If your significant other empties the dishwasher, do you consider it foreplay? If so, this is your love language. If this is truly your love language, you feel most loved when others take care of you by taking care of your responsibilities.

Love Language #5: Physical Touch

Finally, we come to the last love language. Despite what you might immediately assume, physical touch  is about much more than sex. If this is your love language, you feel most loved when hugged, kissed, patted, snuggled with, etc… For you, the sensation of touch conveys positive regard and validation.

If you’d like to find out your love language, you can take an online quiz here. Here’s to self-awareness!

 Welcome to the Therapy Charlotte Blog! In an attempt to share useful and practical information with my clients and anyone else who stumbles across this blog, I'm excited to get started. You can look forward to posts that address issues such as codependency, conflict-resolution, building intimacy in relationships, self-care, stress management, coping skills, yoga and mindfulness, and boundaries. I hope you will find the upcoming posts useful!

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